If you know me at all or know anyone like me, then you’re probably well familiar with what I’m about to say. It’s no secret I’ve been having a tough time lately. There’s been circumstance after circumstance thrown at me that just keeps overwhelming me. It’s got me wondering how much I can control in my life and how much is left to chance that I can’t control. Often, I’ve been thinking about I how come across to the world around me to the people in my life who love and care about me whether it’s friends, family, or people I run into whom I’ve never met. What do they think of me? Do they know the real me? Did I show them all of me? If so, did they like the real me? There’s a lot on my mind right now, but I’m Scott Harrison Odom, nothing more and nothing else. I’m me and just me. I can’t be something I’m not. I can’t live my life to please others or chase a life for money. Lately, I’ve been seeing that the night really is just darkest before the dawn. To be honest at 23, I didn’t think I’d live this long. But, now that I’m here, I’ve got one life for who knows how long and from now on as you are my witness, I’m going to try my hardest to be happy with myself and take pride in who I am. I haven’t had a moments peace in a while, because I can’t accept who I am. But, that changes today. I challenge all of you who feel like I do to change like I do or help another if they need to change.
Life really isn’t what I expected. Don’t get me wrong, but I’ve always felt deep in my heart that I’m meant for something more than this. Something greater has to be out there for me. To live a normal life scares me more than the roughest death. I guess when you think about it, it’s a good thing that I think so highly of myself and want to live a full life. But, it’s almost like I’ve set impossible standards for myself. At the moment, I’m a writer (doing everything, if it involves words, I’m probably doing it), an aspiring boxer, an aspiring actor/director, and I really could keep going. But, these are the things that make me happy. I honestly couldn’t imagine doing anything else. I’ve given myself options over the years by graduating from two institutions of higher learning. But, at the same time, I’ve picked fields that are very difficult to get into. I don’t really have that support system when I come. My parents don’t really talk to me anymore. My mom is too preoccupied with her marriage to her new husband, and my dad’s not really treated me the same since I graduated last May. I’m an adult and should be treated like one, but I still look to them for guidance. The girlfriend thing continues to be a hindrance to me. I look for that special girlfriend, but they don’t seem to look for me. Maybe, there is something wrong with me. Maybe, I have a problem I can’t see. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Too nice. Too loving. Whatever it is, I can’t figure it out. It doesn’t help that my Dad has bugged me about being alone. It hurts to have to deal with this stress.
This next part may seem kind of confusing or strange to you, but I’ll try to explain it clearly. When I was younger, I had the privilege of being naive as do most young kids. The world is what they see in front of them. They don’t have stress, well most don’t. I’m sure some are out there trying desperately to survive from lack of food. But, for the most part, their minds haven’t developed yet. I miss that actually. Sometimes, I wish I could be ignorant or something like that. Because, I find myself battling my consciousness, and it always seems to get the better of me. But, it’s like when I graduated from high school and went on to college and finished it, it’s like my mind was opened. Do you remember the story of Adam and Eve eating from the tree of the Garden of Good and Evil? Well, it resembles that. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Everyone’s problem is mine, because I choose to make it so. But, also, have you ever felt so insignificant that when you see other people living out their lives, you feel guilty or sad even? I don’t know why I feel that way, but I do. It hits me hard with women for some reason. When I see women living out their lives it makes me sad for some reason. Maybe, there’s something wrong with me. Maybe, I’m a basket case. Maybe. It’s like that with celebrities too. Sometimes, I think well you know why are these people famous? Some of them are terrible actors, actresses, or sports figures, but at the same time, I guess they are paid millions, because people can relate to them. Now, I don’t have some strange obsession with them by any means. I don’t. It just makes me sad to see them get to switch lives so often, while I’m stuck with one and one alone. I’m nothing but Scott Harrison Odom. Just me. Is that enough?
Maybe, I’m dwelling in the negative. I’ll be the first to admit that. Every time you think negatively and dwell on the negative thoughts, you train your brain to follow a pattern. Before you know it, you’ll have negative thoughts by default. Everything will be a 100x worse than it really is, because you make it that way with your mental response. Sometimes, I just get pushed over the edge, and it really is hard to find one good thing besides the necessities in life (which I’m very grateful to have by the way). I thank the Lord that I don’t have to wander the streets hungry and dirty. As I’ve been having trouble with women, I’ve searched for help, and one of the things that I came across was they are attracted to men who have a lot of self confidence. Men who think the best things in life are for them. I’d love to be here. I can even say I’m here, but I’m not. I think I’m close. But, I can’t tell you how many times, I see a beautiful girl who I think may be interested in me, but I turn around, because I think she’s out of my league. I’ve doomed myself before I’ve even struck out, because women are like X-Ray machines. They can see right through you most of the time and can spot the bull. So, don’t even try to be something you’re not. Also, if you think they aren’t good enough for you, then they’ll think that too. So, I’ve struck out so many times before I even got to the plate. Sucks, doesn’t it? So, I’ve been working on me a lot. Trying to improve my attitude, my outlook on life, my self confidence, my appearance, my clothing, everything without losing who I am in the process and what makes me me. I’m not doing this to change for women or for any one in particular. But, I recently had long hair and a beard and that was a symbol of the new me. An act to demonstrate letting the writer in me go free. I cut them off, because it was time to part with them. But, nevertheless, the writer is awakened and living now. I’m working on myself for me and me alone. Why not give myself the best life I can possibly have while I’m here on this earth? So, even if I do all these things to me, I will be a new person, but I’ll still be Scott Harrison Odom. Is nothing other than me enough? Just me. Am I enough? These are the things I think about almost daily. But, I’m working on loving myself more and accepting who I am to be at peace with myself. Are you?
I challenge you to read this. I will. And I’d like to leave you with a quote by Lucille Ball which states, “Love yourself first and everything falls into line.”
Click Me: How to Love Yourself : Click Me
There’s one more thing, I’d like to share, and I wish I can take credit for this quote, but I can’t, the author is at the end:
“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Phychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)
Let’s go change the world and be happy with who we are!
It's more than just mere self-confidence that women love, but overall self-worth that you feel you deserve to be loved and treated well and that people should love you. It's not cocky egotism(undeserved and bombastic) but earned egoism (deserved and basic sense of self worth). I hate egotists, but love egoists. That "t" makes a huge distinction. I like this post!
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